Thought I'd take a break from NYC, and write some mushy stuff down as Dave and I will have been married 15 years in 6 days time. Some would say you'd do less time for murder LOL, a life sentence.... why does it have to be negative? People joke about it, but are they really joking or is there a grain of disappointment in their comments? Being with the same person for years and years? For a person like me, that thrives on change, can it work? Will it work? Will I be bored? Get bored? Will we last the test of time?
You know what? I've been with Dave now for 18 and a half years and I feel very lucky. I am not easy to live with and the early years were very rocky. Very rocky indeed. There was the cultural thing, the I don't smoke and drink thing and so why should you? The why can't we do everything together thing, the what do you mean you need time to yourself and male bonding walking weekend thing and a whole load of other things, or perhaps I should say tings, as we are now living in T n T lol. I thought now that I've found him, I didn't want to lose him, I worried about his health, how much he drank, how much he smoked, I worried about him killing himself on that fast bike of his, I was jealous of how much time he was spending with his friends instead of me, I was so scared of losing him. Took me a while to realise that I was going to lose him if I continued trying to control his life, instead of sharing it.
I was very immature in the whole relationship thing, having not had any boyfriends or relationships till I was 23. I did not want to share, I wanted to keep Dave to myself, he had to be with me 24-7. I guess it boiled down to my insecurities and there's a lot of those for one reason or another. I was behaving like a girl and not a woman. I was listening to Jase and Taska, 2 DJs on the morning show on 107.1 FM and they talked about relationships and asked listeners if they were girls or women when it came down to relationships. Fundamentally, a girl would sit and wait for the boyfriend, expect the boyfriend to spend all his time with her, try to control the relationship, showing all the signs of insecurity. The woman on the other hand would be mature in her outlook, had her own life and the boyfriend fitted in to her life and not vice versa, the woman was confident and was not going to be anybody's fool. In all reality, I do not think it can be as clear cut as that. A mix of girl/woman would be ok and perhaps even ideal.
I'd like to think that I have moved on from being a girl and am now a woman with a few girl like elements still within. On reflection, I really believe that if it wasn't Dave that I was with, it would have ended long ago. He is such a rock and a star, hehehe a rock star. He has the patience of a saint. He is not without flaws, he's human after all, a super human to have been with me so long.... LOL. When we had a row, it would really be only me rowing, argument, only me arguing, he would not retaliate, which frustrated me even more, and I would give him the cold shoulder treatment for a few days which he hated, then we would talk and make up. Painful early days , but necessary I guess, he showed and taught me how it could and should work.
Here's some funny bits. We met at the hospital swimming pool and our friends all know that he spotted me swimming, was attracted by my physique slicing through the water and continued to perve me til that fateful day when he was swimming next to me. I was oblivious to his existence until then. His chat up line, "Do you get problems with water in your ears too?" And that was that, it was the 16th of October, 1991. Oh, I forgot, when Dave found out I was from Malaysia, he didn't really know where that was, like a lot of Brits I know, and I drew out a map of Asia, to show where Malaysia was. I got quite good at it, far better than when I was at school, Mrs Chandra you would be so proud of me LOL. Dave went home and did some homework, looking in the Encyclopedia Britannica to learn all about Malaysia and discovered it was a Muslim country and had visions of my father forcing his hand in marriage. He breathed a sigh of relief when he discovered I was a Buddhist. But drew a sharp breath in when I told him my dad collected knives and had a lovely collection of them. Slight improvement there. Not!!!!
Our relationship went at breakneck speed, and Dave had moved in with me within 2 months, and we had bought a house together by 10 months. In retrospect, it was too fast and I'm sure contributed to a lot of the problems we had in the early years. I took Dave home to see the folks and my large extended family and we had 6 weeks of relatives, including the dead ones during the all souls day celebrations, he helped clear the graves, tidy and refreshen the paint on the tombstones. It was at that point I think that my parents began to love him more than me! The pressure to get me married was on but we could not do anything about it as Dave was still married, shock, horror. Not really, he was separated from his 1st wife but was still legally married. That was another thing that bothered me tremendously, and the poor man was pressured to get divorced, which he did in all fairness, a do it yourself divorce. So, now he was divorced, my parents were like, well, what you waiting for? I was not about to get married just cos they want me to, though I had asked Dave on Valentines Day in 1992, a Leap Year and he had said yes! In the end, we decided to get married but did not want to wait too long and was going to get married in 5 weeks , told the folks, and they said,"Why so soon? " lol, after 3.5 years of pressure, why so soon????? It seems, I can't win. And no, there was no bun in the oven, I was not pregnant, Mitchell wasn't born for another 3 years.
So, why get married? We were happy together, had lived for 3.5 years together, got a house full of stuff, what was a marriage cert going to change? It did change, we seemed to grow together now, happier than ever. It was weird, I really did not think it would make a difference at all, but it did, for the better. Perhaps it gave me the reassurance and confidence that Dave did want to be with me, that I was the one for him.
The years roll on, Mitchell arrived then Jasmine, we bungled along, especially when we moved to Nottingham and had to make a whole new network of friends and work and the like. I had a funny few months when we first moved but Dave, once again, was rock solid, having a completely new job, a post grad course undertaken and a mentally unstable wife at home! Have I said how lucky I am? I am so very lucky.
More years pass, football training, matches, ballet, tap and modern lessons, performances, tennis lessons, school runs, helping out in class at school, trampolining, swimming, ice skating. Our days were filled by children activities and work. Living in Beeston close to family had it's advantages, we were able to escape to Paris on our own and had a really great time. I guess Dave and Suyin time wasn't happening that much due to childcare and work commitments but when it did, we made the most of it. I will leave the subject about my parenting skills for another post!!
Today, we find ourselves in the Caribbean, Dave's in Anguilla for a few days, and will be back tomorrow. He's working very hard. We were offered a posting in Trinidad, we weren't looking to leave England. We thought very hard about whether we should seize this opportunity or stay safe in our safe jobs at home. It was a joint decision, as a Libran, Dave was often indecisive, but on this occasion, he seemed to leap at the chance of working and living in another country, one with sunshine, warmth and beaches all year round, it was all sounding very attractive. So, we will be celebrating our 15th anniversary in Trinidad.
I love Dave more than ever and hope he feels the same about me. Our marriage is stronger than ever, though this is not a guarantee that we will be together til death do us part. What have I learnt over the last 15 years? I have learnt to let go, to be more patient, to try and sort problems out as soon as possible. Though I am very lucky, I still have to work at it, never taking anything for granted, never taking advantage and supporting each other as best we know how.
Love is very important, and love Dave I do, and I am very lucky ( did I say that already?) to be loved back unconditionally. Truly unconditionally.
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